Kuchipatara

I am writing my Shona work of fiction. The working title of the novel is provisionally called Zvatinoitirana, and it will be complete soon, though I sometimes have to chain myself to the chair so I can work on the latest chapter. 

This chapter is a monologue by one of the novel's protagonists, who has just had a revelation after an unfortunate incident led to an unpleasant sojourn at the hospital. No, it is not a revelation of biblical proportions, but I hope you will enjoy...

Chiso chako chiri kuratidza rugare mhai. Chakatsetseka; ende ndiri kuhwa ruvoko gwangu guchivava neshungu dzekuda kutsvanzvadzira kuti ndikokotevo chidimbu cherugare gwakafukidza chiso chako nguva dzino. Asi madoctor acho andirambidza kuti ndikugunzve; kwahi ndisambokudhistebha zvachose. Kana kuti ndigare muno vanga vasingadi. Kwahi ropa rako rinofanira kumbodzikama nekuti rambobhoira zvekuti kana ukawana chimwe chinhu chinokukanganisa fungwa zvakare, pressure yeropa racho ingakwira zvekuti unoputika moyo.

Hapana hangu zvandataura, asi handibvumirani nezvavari kutaura. Hausi kumboita kunge munhu ane ropa riri panjodzi yekufazha kwandiri – kwete kufazha nezhira yavari kufunga anyway. Kwandiri uri musikana akangovata nekuti aneta nezvaanga achiita, saka atora maawa mashoma kuti ambozorodza nyama nepfungwa. Ini ndini ndiri kudoita sebenzi, nekuti handitombozivi kuti fungwa dzangu dzatiza mumusoro dzichiinda kunovanda kupi. Zvandiri kufunga zvacho zvakangoita bhidhiri bhidhiri sen’ombe dziri kuda kuvhuna joko. Asi ndinozviziva kuti uchabata sense yazvo hako, chero une dzimwe njere dzakambozorora. You are the smartest girl I know. 

Plus futi kana chiremba wako ari Fero, zvinhu zvekufungira nekutyira zvinenge zvakawanda wena. Ndine zvikonzero zvakawanda chaizvo zvekuti ndisafarira murume iyeye. Zvaunotozivawo chero newe. Nezvimwe zvausingazivi, zvaanofunga kuti ini handizivi futi. Ndatozongobvuma kuti akutarise iye nekuti Loveness haapo pano; ende iwewe wanga woita semunhu ava kutandadza. Foni yaChiremba haisi kudavigwa, ende yekumba kwake inenge yakabviswa pachimai chayo. Handimushori – ini naLoveness hatisi kutaura nyaya dzinoinda kure nhasi. Of course, zvinhu zvaaita naMidhi hazvifaniri kundishamisa – but still… 

Ehe; Midhi ndiye akavata kumba kwaLavhu madeko. Haana kumbogara atsakatika. Asi ndinivo ndoga ndinoziva izvozvo. Ndiye akauya naLavhu gore riya rawazobetsegwa nematwins kumba kwangu. She has been here always. Saka nhasi Chiremba Chiremba vari kunyara uye kutya kundiona nekuti vanofunga kuti ndingavadambura gumbo nepfuti nemhosva yekuti vapwanya ruzhowa. Haha. Achatomboita mazuva achigara kure neni. Yava nyaya yakevo iyo. 

Saka pandasvika newe pano ndikawana Fero akamira padhoo ndashaya choice. Chazondinyaradza ndicho chikuru chiripo chekuti ndiri kuda kuti urarame; iye ndichiremba haadi kuti ufire mumaoko ake. Iyewo ari kutofunga kuti ndini ndakubaya newaya dzine magetsi ndichida kukuomesa. Handina basa nazvo; chero zvichiita kuti upore chete.

Asi havana havo kumbondirambidza kuti nditaure newe. Havana kuti nditaure newe, asi havana kundirambidza. Vanga vasingadi kuti ndigare muno newe, asi ndavavhunza kuti kana vachifunga kuti ndakugwinha nemagetsi, chinonditadzisa kuti ndiite zvimwechete kwavari chii ini ndisitorina kana gasva revukama navo – vabuda muno vachimanya.

Molly wapfakanyika paavete. Hana yangu yarova; ndiri padhuzedhuze naye zvekuti ndapotsa paduku ndavhazuka ndichitiza. Kwete kutiza kuti wamuka, asi kutiza kuti haafaniri kundivona. Kutiza kuti handidi kuti ahwe zvandiri kubvotomoka pano. Ndaita sendavona muromo wake uchishama kuti ataure, asi maziso ake aramba akavhara. Achakavata nhai. Ndaruma muromo wangu wezasi ndichida kutsikirira shungu dziri muruvoko dzekuti ndibate shaya yake ndihwe kudziya kwake. 

Shit; dei waiona zvakaita fesi yako nguva ino, Madhuve. Handisati ndambovona chiso chako chakazorora zvakadai kwenguva refu. Kutaura chokwadi handisati ndambokuona wakavata, saka chiso chako ndanga ndisingazivi kuti chinenge chakaita sei. Mamwe mazuva muhupenyu hwangu ndinombokuona mufungwa dzangu wakavata. So B.E.A.utiful. So P.E.A.ceful. Yha. And I have you imagined you like this for so long. Ndichiri mwana mudiki ndaiimajina zvunhu zvekupenga. Ndaifungazve kuti unenge wakavata pamubhedha wedu, uye kuti ini ndini ndaizokanganisa rugare gwezviroto zvako nekukuwaranyurira machira ndichikumutsa kuti kwaidza mhai, mukai mubikire vana bota. Zvunhu zvakawanda chaizvo zvandaironga mumusoro mangu kuti ndichakuitira uye kuti ndichaita newe patinenge tava kurarama hupenyu tiri pamwechete, tichipedza mazuva edu ekurarama tichingomwekurirana…

Fuck. Ndiri kumboti kudiiko ini. Ndava kudoita sekuti ndini ndamborobwa nemagetsi fungwa dzikajambha jambha. Ndambokuudza kuti vana doctor havana kundirambidza kuti nditaure newe. Saka handizivi kuti zvandiri kutaura zvacho uri kuzvihwa here kana kuti hausi. Right now ndiri kudemba kuti dei wakadovata hako, nekuti haufaniri kuhwa zvinhu zvakatsva zviri kubuda mumukanwa mangu. Nekuti zvekuti ndingati ndingataurawo newe zvacho handina shamwari. Ndingataura nezvevana vako here? Ndiri kuti vako nekuti kana nanhasi handisati ndavaona. Kwete kuti handisi kuhwa sekuti ndevangu, asi ndichiri kushamiswa nechokwadi chekuti ndiri mubereki wena. Pawakatanga kundiudza kuti ndini baba vavo ndakangopindiwa nekushamiswa uye excitement yemunhu audzwa zvinhu zvaanga asina kumbofungira kuti zvichaitika munguva pfupi yehupenyu hwake inotevera. Asi hapana kana chinhu hwani chandinoziva pamusoro pevana vacho. Kana chinhu hwani hacho.

Ndizvo zvinhu zvandaidai ndakakuvhunza nezvazvo madeko izvozvo, Molly, kwete zvekuda kukubatirira kuti utende kuita mukadzi wangu nekuti you feel guilty kuti wakanditadzira. Ndaifunga kuti ndikaita kuti ufunge kuti ndiri kukuitira fevha yekuti watowanawo munhu anoda kugara newe uchibva mukunyadziswa kwakadai waizotenda nekukurumidza nekuti unenge usina sarudzo pazviri. Ndaifunga kuti ndikakupa sarudzo yekuti ndinogona kukuchengeta inini kuti usapa baba vako nhamo yekurera vazukuru vemwanasikana ivo vachembera zvakadero waizokurumidza kufarira zano rangu ukatenda kugara neni. 

Handizivi kuti zvinhu zverudo zvinofamba sei, Molly. Ndakamboda zvekupisa rudo rimwe gore; ende zvakambondipinda chaizvo mazuva azvaiva muchechetere mvura yemuguvi. Ndosaka ndaiva ndoronga uye kurarama hupenyu mumusoro mangu. Asika unongozivawo kuti kana mvura yemuguvi yabvongodzeka inenge yakaita sei. Ndizvo zvakaitika kwandiri izvozvo. Ndaifunga kuti ndiri kupisa rudo asi ndakazobudamo ndatsva inini, moyo ukasara wava matsito zvekuti ndakambofunga kuti haufi wakapora. Neimwe zhira ndaiva right, nekuti handina kuzombopora kubva kuronda remoyo iroro. Iniwo kana kupora kwacho ndaiva ndisingadi. Unogona kuti ndiri gwara rinotya kurarama zvinoita vamwe vanhu pano pasi; nekuti handisini wekutanga kubvamburigwa moyo. 

It’s all part of life. Dzimwe nguva unosangana nezvinhu zvaunofunga ndizvo zvako chaizvo chaizvo, asi unogona kuzochemedzewa nazvo. Pamwe ndizvo zvakaitika kwandiri izvozvo. Asi zvekuti ndisazvikangamwa uye ndisafambira mberi nekurarama ndichivhima rudo kune vamwe vasikana isarudzo yangu, Molly. Handidi kutambisa nguva yemwana wevanhu ndichimuudza nhema dzekuti ndinomuda, ini ndichiziva kuti ndakagova moyo wangu kudhara ndikasara ndisisina chekupa umwe munhu.

Saka ndakangovona kuti zviri better ndisiyane nazvo ndiite zvinhu zvandinogona. Ini ndiri munhu wezvinyogwa, Molly. Ndinoverenga mabhuku. Ndinonyora mabhuku. Kana ndichiita izvozvo ndinohwa kuti ndiri kumba chaiko. Kana ndichinyora zvinhu zvacho zvinenge zvichigadzigwa mumusoro mangu, ndichizvishepa nezhira yandinoda kusvika ndava kuvona kuti zvasvika pandinoda. Kana ndichiverenga zvinhu ndini ndinenge ndichigadzira zviso zvevanhu vandinenge ndichiverenga. Saka waona manje. Zvemabhuku zvinhu zvandinokwanisa kuchuna ndichicontrolla ndichiratidza gwara randinoda kuti zvifambe naro.

That’s because I’m a nerd, baby. Ndiri bhiza rakapfekedzewa chikepesi paziso rimwe nerimwe, rikaratidziwa zhira yekufamba nayo risingatendegwi kuchevuka kuti rivone kuti padivi paro panei. Tisu vana Murambazvivi vakapindiwa muropa nezvavakakura vachiudzwa nevakuru vavo kuti munhu unofanira kuverenga mabhuku kuti ubudirire pafundo, wotsvaka basa, kana wariwana wozoita zvekuroora. Hapanavo kana munhu wakamboidza kundiudza kuti chinangwa chehupenyu kunakigwa nahwo nekuti irombo rakanaka sei kurarama nyika yakanaka kudai nehuchi hwayo, nehupfumi hwayo nemhondi dzayo nemabhinya ayo nembavha dzayo nendyire dzayo. Kuti chinangwa chehupenyu kuisa nyemwerero pamiromo yevanhu vaunogarisana navo nekufarira nguva yako panyika, nekuti unogona kungokwanhurigwa hupenyu hwacho uchiri kuidza kuita zvido zvevamwe vanhu, ugofa wakatsamwa munhu.

Vanhu havambokuudzi izvozvo. Vanouraya pfungwa dzako nekukudzidzisa kuverenga mabhuku kuti uzopindura mivhunzo, kwete kuti uverenge mabhuku uhwisise zvaanoreva kana kuti unakigwe nawo, akuwanise dzidziso yehupenyu. Dzidza. Sevenza. Roora. Vaka. Zvara. Rera. Ndiyo pfupiso yehupenyu hwako iyoyo kana uri umwe wevanhu vakateerera zvaitaugwa nevanhu vakuru kare. Asi unongofa zvakadero. Zvisiri zvekuti munhu hauhwisisi kuti zvavaiita vaizviitirei vatana vedu. They had a very hard time growing up themselves. Chinhu chavaiziva ndechekuti kusevenzera murungu kana kusevenzera hurumende wakapfeka sutu ndiko kunobhadhara. Ndizvo zvinopedza nhamo dzako dzose munhu. Nekuti ivo vakakura vasina mari, saka vanofunga kuti nhamo yemunhu inotangira nekuperera pamari – kuwanikwa kwayo kana kushaikwa kwayo.

Saka kana uchikura unokura mafudzi ako akadorembugwa kudhara nechikwereti chen’ombe dzababa dzavakatengesa kuti uinde kuchikoro; ndikoka kuti chirere chigokureravo. Unozvagwa une chikwereti kumubereki kudhara, kana wapedza chikoro chacho unenge une chikwereti chehurumende chemari yayo yawaidya uri pacollege. Apa hausati wambotanga kusevenza kwacho. Hauna nguva yekumbofungavo kuti pane pauchaita zvinofadza moyo wako munhu. Unokura uchitya kutsauka mugwara rawakatarigwa, nekuti unenge wakaudzwa kuti ukangofoira chete wauraya dzinza rose. Hautombowani kana kamukana kekukanganisa kana. Saka unokura uri munhu wekutya chete. Kutya kutadza. Kutya kugumbura vabereki. Kutya zvausingazivi. Kana wasvika pane rimwe zera unobva waudzwa kuti chiroora; which means kuti kana wotsvaka musikana, unenge watova nechinangwa chekuwana kudhara. Most of the times nerds marry the first girl they kiss. Nekuti hauna nguva yekumbofunga kuti iwe pachako unoda munhu akadiika; kana kwaanobva kuchiyemurika chete, zvinhu zvose zvinenge zvadova muchechetere. Ndivo vasikana vekuroora, unohwa vakuru vachikuudza kudero. 

Zvekuti iwe unofara kuvata panzvimbo imwechete nemunhu iyeye, uchimuka uchitarira chiso chake zuva roga roga, uchizvirangaridza kuti uyu ndiye munhu wekupedzisira wandichavata naye kusvika ndafa uyu; zvinenge zvava zvako izvozvo. Unofanira kufara kuti mubereki afarira mukadzi wako. Kuita sekuti mukadzi wacho ndewemadhara acho. Ndosaka uchizoona vanhu vaunofunga kuti vane zvose pano pasi vachizofa nezvigwere zvamazuva ano – pavanozopepuka vachicherechedza kuti nguva yose iyi hapana kana chinhu chimwe hacho chinoshura chavakaita nekuti moyo wavo ndizvo zvawaida, nguva dzinenge dzainda. Haugoni kudzoka sure kuti ushandure zvakaitika kare nekuti zvakadoitika. Asivo unoziva kuti haugoni kugara pauri nguva dzino nekuti handipo paunoda kugara. Hongu variko vamwe vanongoti zvichahumwi vosiya zvakadero; vochembera vachingodemba kuti dei hudiki hwaidzokegwa vaizoita zvinhu zvakawanda neumwe mutovo.

Unohwa sei kuzoziva, after so many years, kuti chinhu chawakangogona kuita pano pasi kuzadzikisa zvido zvevanhu vawaida kufadza chete, vanhu vaikuudza zvekuita nepekufamba napo, uchikangamwa kuti iwe une hwako hupenyu hwawakasendeka kudurunhuru uchimbofadza manext door. Kuti vedzinza kumusha vafambe vachizvipanha matundundu vachiti mwana wedu wakadzidza isu. Mwana wedu une mota. Mwana wedu nditicha. Mwana wedu ndimaneja. Mwana wedu une mari. Mwana wedu ihuzvu. Paanofamba nyika yose inogwadama. Kushaikwa kana munhu mumwechete zvake anowanikwa achiudza raini kuti ini vangu vana ndakavadzidzisa kuvhura pfungwa dzavo kuti vagamuchire hupenyu hwunovafadza. Hupenyu hunounza nyemwerero kune vadiwa vavo. Kuti ndakapa vana vangu chipo chekuita zvinovafadza, zvisinei nekuti ini ndinozvifarira here. Nekuti hupenyu hwavo hahumbofi hwakaita hwangu. Ndakararama nezhira yandaida, saka ndinofanira kuti mwana wangu aitewo dzake sarudzo; aite zvake zvitadzo, uye kuti aite dzake dzidzo. 

Asi vamwevo ndivo vanoita nharo nehupenyu; vanofunga kuti zvavane mari yose pano pasi, vane kodzero yekugadzirisa zvinhu zvose zvavakatadza kuita nguva yavaifanira kuzviita. Vazhinji vakainda pasi nekuda kwenharo dzavo idzodzo. Asivo vazhinji vakainda pasi pacho vakafara; nekuti at least vakazofa vachiita zvinhu zvaivafadza. 

Hupenyu hwekutevera mwezha wakagadzigwa kudhara hunogwadza, Molly shamwari. Hapana paunogona kumbofunga zvekubuda muzhira iyoyo nekuti unenge wava kunzi wadoresva. Takafamba nepo kwemakore nemakore, ende zhira iyoyi haina kumbotirasisa. Ndiwe ani iwe unotiudza kuti pakati pane chitsiga? Of course variko vamwe vanogona kuita rombo rakanaka; zhira yavakavakigwa ndiyo zhira yavanenge vachida iyoyo. Mukadzi anotanga kuvamirira mumugwagwa ndiye mukadzi wavanenge vachida, wavanogutsana naye kwehupenyu hwese.

I wasn’t a lucky nerd, Molly. Ndairarama hupenyu hwekudhirowavo mubhuku kubva pandakadzidzisiwa kuti munhu anofanira kupasa chikoro – kusvika rimwe zuva randakasangana nemusikana akakanda zvirongwa zvangu zvose mudondo. Hapana chinhu chiri pauri Madhuve chaimbondirangaridza zviroto zvehupenyu hwangu. Hapana kana munhu hwani hake andaiva ndambosangana naye mukurarama kwangu aiva asina kana chinomunetsa sezvawaiva uri. Waingogara uchifara usina kana hanya. Usina kana matyira. Ndaiva ndisina kana munhu wekukufananidza naye wena. Nazvino handina. Shamiso ndaizviziva kuti aigona kutaura zvaanoda hake; asika Shamiso ndagara naye kwenguva yakareba. Akafirwa nehama dzake dzakawanda achiri mwana stereki, ndokubva angokura achitya kuita zvitadzo zvakaurayisa hama dzake. Plus futi wakadokura wakaremegwa nemutoro wekuchengeta Joe nakudhara. Ini ndaidombova nani nekuti zvimwe kana zvanyanya ndaiva nemubereki wekuudza. Shamiso hapana munhu waaivimba naye nenhamo dzake, kuzhe kwangu. Dzimwe nguva ndinombofunga kuti ndiyo mhaka takazoita shamwari huru kudero – ini ndinofunga kuti zvinhu zvakashata zvakaitika kwaari zvakakwana, saka haafaniri kupinda dzimwe nyatwa futi.

Asi iwewe manje. Zvaiita sekuti waivapo kuvhuna mutemo woga woga wekurarama pano pasi. Asi ndakawira murudo newe musi wandatanga kukuvona chaiwo, nemaziso ako aitaura nyaya dzandaihwisisa ini ndoga. Zvunhu zvaindishamisa mazuva ose, uye zvakatora kuti ndiparadzane newe kuti ndizive kuti chaimbova chii chaizvo chaizvo chaindikwezvera kwauri semagnetic field yemaoppposite poles. Ndaida rusununguko gwako, shamwari. Ndiwe woga munhu andaiziva aiita zvaaida nguva dzaaida. Kumba ndaiva ndisina kumbotarigwa nguva dzekusvikako kana ndichibva kuchikoro, asi mazuva andatanga kudanana newe ndaidotya chero kusara newe kwezvinguva zvishomanana chaizvo. Asi nekundida kwako wakandidzidzisa rusununguko, Molly. Idzidziso yandisingagoni kubhadhara iyoyo. 

Ndaida kushaya hanya kwako, nekuti kushaiwa hanya kwako kwaiva kuva nehanya. Waifarira hupenyu, uye mufaro wako wakaupakurira kwandiri ndikasununguka. Wakapindurudza raramo yangu, ndikatanga kuvona hupenyu nemaziso matsva zvekuti iwe pawaidhauta ndini ndaiva ndava kukutakura. Wakatsigisa moyo wangu ukaubvisa kutya, zvandaisambofungira. Ndaifunga kuti hupenyu hunongogonekwa nevanhu vari serious, nekuti ndaifunga kuti hupenyu inzvimbo yatinodofambira kuti tisvike kwairi. Asi wakashandura pfungwa dzangu, ndikaziva kuti gwendo gwacho gwandaiti ndiri kufamba ndihwo hupenyu ihwohwo. Kuti ndikaona ruva rakanaka mumugwagwa ndinofanira kumbomira ndichiriyemura nekuti hazviiti kuti ndidzoke panguva iyoyo zvakare. Kuti ndaifanira kurarama kunge nhasi ndiro zuva rangu rekupedzisira pano pasi, uye kudzidza kunge ndichararama nekusingaperi.

Kuti kana ndikasangana nerudo mumugwagwa wekurarama ndinofanira kuombera, nekuti kusangana nerudo gwako kwakangofanana nekuona zuva richivora, nekuti zvinoitika kamwechete muhupenyu hwako. Ende rudo waiva nagwo Molly. Wakandida nezhira dzakawanda zvekuti dzinogona kukwana kurarama kwangu kwose. Nguva dzose ndaiti kana ndinewe handaimbofunga zvekuti kune chinhu chinonzi kuwanana; nekuti kuwana haikona tinenge tava kutaura zvekubvisirana n’ombe nemari nevanyai nekuvunganidza vanhu nekurairana kuti zvamawanana kudai munofanira kutanga musha une zvana zvinochema. Shoko rekuti kuwana raiva pamepu yangu yehupenyu yandaiva ndakura nayo; ini ndaiva ndisisadi kana chinhu hwani chekuita nemepu iyoyo. Chinhu chandaifunga kana ndinewe kugarisana tiri pamwechete kusvika nguva yedu pano pasi yapedzewa naMusikavanhu. Hapana zvekuti tinopinza vamwe vanhu murudo gwedu. Just you and me baby. Ndaiziva kuti kana ndinewe imwe nyika yose kunenge kusina. Ende waiti kana watanga kundiimbira tiri muzvimupani zviya chero shiri dzose dzaimbonyarara. Pane chinhu chaiva muhwi rako chaitiudza kuti zvunhu zvose zvichanaka, chero taiva takatarisana nedambudziko rakakura segomo rekuNyanga. Taiziva kuti rudo gwedu gwakakura kudarika makomo ose pano pasi akabatanidzwa.

Ndinozviziva kuti taiva vana vaduku chaizvo zvekuti taisamboziva kuti chii chataiita, uye ndinozviziva kuti iwe waizviziva, asi ndaifanira kukuudza kuti ndinokuda everyday shamwari. Nekuti pandakazoshaya mukana wacho ndipo pandakaziva kurashikigwa kwangu. Ndaifanira kudai ndakakuudza nezuro. Zvakaitika zvakaitika, Molly wena. Asi hazvibvisi chokwadi chekuti kana usipo kurarama kwangu inyasha dzedenga. Manje madeko paya ndakapindwa nekutya kuti kana ndikakuvudza chokwadi waigona kunditiza uchifunga kuti ndaikunyepera nekuti ndinokuhwira vurombo; saka ndakafunga kuti zvekukubatirira ndizvo zvinoshanda. Ndiregererevo shamwari; ndava nenguva yakareba chaizvo ndisati ndavona nyemwerero yako isina zvitema yandakapedzisira kuona makore mana apera zvekuti ndanga ndakangamwa kuti unozviziva kana ndichikunungira nhema.

Kubva zvandasiyana newe handizivi kuti chinonzi mufaro chii, Mollyne Tadiwa. Shamwari yangu ihasha; hasha ndicho chinhu chandaita husahwira nacho kudarika kuhwana kwandinoita nevanhu. Anger has been my longest relationship since you. Ndinomuka nehasha, ndopwera nehasha, ndodzokera kunovata nehasha. Ndinomboidza kuzviudza kuti ndine zvikonzero zvose zvekugara ndakatsamwa pano pasi. Pamwe imhosva yekuti muhupenyu hwangu handina kumboita umwe munhu akagocha moyo wangu akaupisa sezvawakandiita wena. Waiva zvose zvangu. Ndaiti ndikakutarira ndaiona nhamo dzangu dzose dzichipera. Asi zvawakaita zvakasiya matsito chete paiva nemoyo wangu, zviroto zvangu zvose zvikanyangarika semhute.

Asi ndipo pane nyaya ipapo manje; handizivi kuti ndiwe wakazviita here kana kuti zvinhu zvacho zvakaitika kwauri. Ndakakutonga ndikawana une mhosva ndisina kana kumbohwa divi rako renyaya. Handizivi kuti pane zvazvaizochinja here, asi pamwe zvaizobetsera moyo wangu kuzorora wena. Pamwe dei ndakatora nguva kuti ndikuteerere ndaizogona kukuregerera ndozviregererawo ndigovona kufambira mberi muzvakanaka. Asika ini ndaida kugara nehasha, saka ndakaramba kuhwa zvawaiva wandidanira kumusha gore riya. Chandakakangamwa ndechekuti chinhu chinonzi rudo chinoda vanhu vaviri vari mazviri vose mhai. Ndaifunga kuti rudo chinhu chiri perfect chisingagoni kumbotsaudzira, zvekuti kana izvozvo zvangoitika chete, kugona ndiko kuita zvechirume ndogura rudo gwacho. Ko ndiri kumboti kudiiko ini; ndinozviziva kuti rudo chinhu chisina chinana chinochisvibisa. Isu vanhu tisu tinokurigwa nemiidzo nguva dzakawanda. Asi kana ndikatadza zvinoreva kuti ndazviita nemavune here? Kana ndikakanganisa zvinoreva kuti moyo wangu wanga usina kuchena here? Mivhunzo yose iyi ndingadai ndakaipindura musi uya, asi ndakatendedza hasha kuti dzipambe fungwa dzangu. Hongu tingati musi uya zvaiva zvakandikunda, because I had to deal with a lot that day – asi mamwe mazuva akazouyaka, ende hapana kana rimwe zvaro randakakutendedza kuti utsanangure kuti chii chakaitika.

Mwari wakandipa mukana wekuti ndikuratidze rudo gwandaigara ndichipaumba kuti ndinokuda ndinokuda, Molly – asi mukana uya pawakauya ndakakufuratira ukadyiwa nemhumhi. Ndakazviidza ngirozi isina zvitema; ngirozi isingadyidzani nevatadzi. Chero madeko paya ndakapihwa umwe mukana wekukuudza kuti ndinohwa sei pamusoro pako. Asi ini ndakadoidza kuti ndikunyengedze kupinda mumba mangu nekuti ndaikuitira fevha. Handina hangu kana kumbotora nguva yekufunga kuti uchiri kundidawo here kana kuti unohwei pamusoro pangu. Rudo gwako ndiri mutete paguri, Madhuve. Wakandizvarira zvivhindikiti zvevana, asi ini handigoni kukutenda naizvozvo. 

Saka tiri pano nhasi. Kwahi nevekuchechi inohi Ebenezer - kwahi Mwari watisvitsa pano. Pfungwa dzake dzekusvitsa vanhu kwaanoda ndidzo dzinombondinetsa kubata hangu. Handizivi kuti sei zvakasvika pakuti ubapwe huro nerufu kuti ndizive kuti nzvimbo yako muhupenyu hwangu iri papi chaipo. Kutaura chokwadika, ini ndini ndaifanira kumboita ropa rinofashaidzwa nemagetsi kuti fungwa dzimbopindwa nemhepo, dzifunge fungwa dziri fresh. Handizivi kuti dei zvanga zvashata, kuti kana wanga wa... I don't want to think about it. Handisati ndakambokufunga usipo pasi pano. Kana kumbofunga pano pasi iwe usipo. Hazvifungiki Madhu. Dzimwe nguva ndinombofunga kuti unombondifungawo here, uye kuti unofungei kana ndikati nyengu nemufungwa dzako. Kwete kuti zvichambondinetsa, anyway. After zvakaitika madeko, ndofunga ndine good idea yekuti unofungei pamusoro pangu.

Ndafunga nzvimbo dzose dzatakasvika tiri tose. KwaMushandike. Kwambuya vako. Kuchikoro. Kulibrary. Kudenga. Miti yose yatakapedzera mashizha nekupurura muzvitondo zviya. Mavhiri aTadiwa ataipedza mathreads tichitambisa bhaskoro rake kumagiraundhi. Where the fuck does time go? Ndichifunga nguva dzose dzataigwa, zhinji dzacho dzichikonzegwa negodo. Kwete nguva zhinji, asi kuti dzose nguva dzataigwa taigwira nyaya dzevamwe vakomana nevasikana. Nekuti pane zvimwe zvose, kupesana kwepfungwa dzedu kwaiva nekuremekedza kusiyana kwadzo mukati. Asi zvevamwe vanhu izvii... mmm... Nguva yekutanga tahwisisana paiva pasina wena. Handizivi kuti chataitya kwaiva kugwadzisana here kana kuti kuruzana. Uchiri kurangarira zuva riya randapedza zuva rose ndichigwa nekuramba nyaya yawaida kuti nditende yekuti kana ndaiva ndisina kumbonyenga Shami kudhara, saka zvaireva kuti ndakambodanana naCecilia? Ndakadombotanga ndichiseka wani, nekuti zvakandiitira semashura kuti waifunga kuti ndaiva ndakangwara zvekuti ndaigona kudiwa nevanhu vanenge Cecilia kana mainini. Uye kuti iwe zvaidokugwadza futi. Zvaidondinetsa kuti waiva wambozvifunga sei in the first place. 

Ndizvo zvakazoita kuti ndiite hashaka izvozvo pandaiva ndovona kuti nyaya yacho yaiva yopedza nguva yedu, nekuti ini ndaiva ndakamira ipapo ndichifunga kuti saka mwana uyu anombodei chaizvo? Ndaivapo newe, ndisina kana chinana chekupomedzegwa kuti pamwe ungahwa makuhwa ekuti ndakambovonekwa nemusikana muzvikwenzi kuchikoro, asi iwe ndipo pawaida kundipa vasikana vandaiva ndisina. Shami. Cecilia. Sandra. Pamwe zvimwe zvacho yaiva mhosva yangu. Asi chokwadi chacho chaiva mumoyo wanguka, ende ndaivona sekuti musoro wako waiva wakazara mvura zvekuti waisada kuvona chokwadi. Asi ini ndini ndaiva nefungwa fupi Madhuve. Pane kuti ndikuteerere kuti ndikuhwisise; ndaikuteerera kuti ndikupindure. Dai ndakahwa hwi raiva pasi pasi pekupopota kwako raitaura kuti waiva usingadi munhu ari perfect, pamwe ndaizvihwa ndikawana matsananguriro andaizviita. Chokwadi chaiva chekuti waiva usingandizivi, ende iyoyo yaiva imwe zhira yako yekuda kuziva kuti mukomana wako munhu akaita sei. Iwe waida kungodanana nemunhu akamira pachokwadi. Munhu anorarama, kwete anomira kumahombekombe achivokera vamwe vachidhidha mudhamhu repasi rino, iye achinongedza achipa mutongo wekuti uyo haagoni, uyo dei arova muchaira akananga apo. Waida munhu wekupinda naye mudhamhu imomo makasungana makumbo, zvekuti chero umwe woinda kure kwakaita sei, maingoguma mawanana chete kana mukatevera shinda yakakubatanidzai. 

Shinda kuva nayo taiva nayo mumwe wangu. Asi iwe wainyanya kufunga nezvayo stereki. Ini ndaiva ndisingafungi zvachose. Kana ndaifunga ndaidai ndakazvivona gore riya randakakuta paduku kusiiswa Geography naTsangadzi paaingondifoirisa ndasara nemwedzi kuti ndinyore mafinals; ini ndichishaiwa kuti ndini ndaiita chidofo here kana kuti yaiva mhosva yei. Asi pawakada kundinyeurira ndini ndakadotanga kukupengera ndichiti zvikomba zvako zvaiva zvoda kundiurayira hupenyu hwangu nekuti zvaiva nemari nemikana yose yekundikanda kudurunhuru. Takapedza weekend yose tisina kana kuvonana. It was the longest week of my life. Ndinozviziva kuti ndaiva ndisati ndasamhuka hangu uye kuti pfungwa dzangu dzaiva dzisati dzanyatsa kuchangamuka panyaya dzerudzi ugwu, asi zvimwe zvinhu hazvimbodi kungongodzewa musoro wena. Ndaifanira kudei ndakavona ndoga kuchena kwemoyo wako makore acho. 

Nekuti kubva makore ose awa apera ndiri ndoga, handisati ndambotarira mumaziso emusikana ndikahwa hasha nerudo pamwechete sezvandaihwa kana ndikavona maziso ako. Pamwe imhosva yekuti ndaitsvaga iwe mumaziso evanhu vasiri ivo. Asi ndaingoti ndikatarira chete ndaitadza kuvona zvaiva mberi kwekunaka kwechiso kana kupenya gweganda. Ndaitadza kusvika kumusiwo wemoyo. I have to give you this, baby; you set the bar so high handifungi kuti pane munhu achambofa akarisvika. Ndiyo mhaka ndakarega kuramba ndichizvinetsa nekutsvaga umwe Molly. I know I can never find her. Of which handifungi kuti ndakamukodzera futi, nekuti wekutanga wandaiva ndapuhwa ndakamurasha nekusafunga kwangu. Kana munhu wamboinda kudenga unongoziva woga kuti hapana zhira yaunozomboita shungu nekuinda kugehena. You were my heaven. My Molly. Asi panguva imwechete yandaifanira kukuteerera, I was found very wanting. Ndaiva ndapedzera miseve yangu yose kumakunguwo, zvekuti pakazouya hanga ndaiva ndangobata uta chete.  

Zvakaitika kwatiri zvakaitika ndakavaraigwa zvekuti ndakapedza gore ndichiri mushock. Panguva yose iyoyi handina kukwanisa kuteerera moyo wangu waindiudza kuti pamwe panogona kudero pane tsanangudzo yandaizohwisisa. Asi ini ndakada kuita zvechirume; zvekuti ndiri Chikara, kumba kwangu hakuitiwi marara akadero sadza rigoramba richibikwa. Asi nhasi ndinongova paya pawakandisiya. Not that you went anywhere yourself. Asi tapedza makore akawanda tichigwadzisana zvekuti kana shamhu chaiyo handifungi kuti tichambohwa kugwadza kwayo. Ndakakupa mhosva yandaiva ndisingazivi kuti wakapara zvechokwadi here, uye kuti wakaipara zvambodii. 

Asi nhasi vhiri rehupenyu riya ratenderera rikatidzosera kumba kwaMai Tadiwa kuya. Musi uya watakasara toga. Anga achifanira kuva mavambo matsva kufunga kwangu. Asi pane kuti ndikuratidze moyo wangu sezvandakaita musi uya, ndakuratidza kutsvinya kwangu. Hmmm. I really do not deserve you, you know. I really, really, really do not deserve you. Pamwe kugara nehasha ndicho choga chinhu chakandifita pano pasi. 

Ndava kuinda iye zvino, Molly. Ndofunga mushonga wako wava kupera; kwahi unofanira kumuka manje manje. Handidi kuti kana wamuka, chinhu chaunotanga kuvona chive chiso chemunhu akapedza hupenyu hwake achikuratidza kuti haurevi chinhu pano pasi. Everything will be changed paunomuka. Kana wabuda muno tichavona kugadzirira mabirth evana, ndobva ndabuda muhupenyu hwako. Handifi ndakakunetsa futi. You deserve to be happy, Molly, ende tose tava kuziva kuti kana ini ndiri pedo rufaro gwako gunogara guri kure.

Ndasumuka. Asi zviri kundiomera chose kuti ndishozhonodze shoka dzangu kuti ndimufuratire, ndibude mumba muno; ndibude muhupenyu hwake zvachose sekuvimbisa kwandaita. Ndamutarira akavata pamubhedha ipapo kwenguva isiri kuda kuvona magumo, ndichivona chifuva chake chichikwira nekudzika pasi perushiti gwakamuputira; nemutumbi wake wose wakaita kuzorora kuita sekuti munhu ari kumba kwake. Rugare guri pachiso chake ungati ndegwemunhu avata akaisa shuga pasi pepilo kuti avate achirota zvinotapira. Ndichifunga; aimbova wangu munhu uyu, neminyepfu yake nehwangwaridzo dzake nerugare guri pachiso chake nerudo gwose guri paari. She used to be mine. Underline used to be. Achitokonewa kuvata zvechokwadi, kwete zvekufungidzira, nekuti aifunga ini. Asi iye zvino ndiye munhu wava kuvata hope dzeumambo muchipatara chaimo. Ndiye ava kushara kurohwa nemagetsi achinditiza inini. 

Ndofunga wakandivenga kudarika kuvenga kwandinoita Manchester United neChelsea neCaps neHighlanders. She must really hate me. Chero dei ndanga ndiri ini dei ndichivenga inini kudarika kuvenga kwandinoita Manchester United neChelsea neCaps neHighlanders. Ndiri kuhwa kurema nekureruka pamwe chete – kurema kwenyama dzemuviri nekureruka kwefungwa; ini ndini munhu wazorasha fungwa ari pachipatara manje ini. Ndadzungudza musoro ndichikweva shoka dzangu kuti dzitarire kwadziri kufanira kunanga; ndiri kuhwa sekuti ndarambiwa patsva, ende iye zvino ndinoziva kuti hapana zhira yekuti ndingaita tariro yekuti tichadzokerana futi. Chero kutaura tose chaiko tadoguma nhasi. Zvakaoma; apa ndipo paunenge wabva mukubata chokwadi chekuti musikana unomuda zvemandorokwati. Ndiye rudo gwako gwehupenyu iyeye. Hazvinei kuti akambobvepi akadarika nekupi akazoguma ava kupi. Unozviziva kuti unomuda nemashizha ake nevutata hwake nezvose zvaanazvo zvinomusekesa nevanhu. Yha; uku ndiko kunonzi kutsokodzegwa moyo uku. Kuyeuka bako wanaiwa kuri nani, nekuti kana wariziva bako iroro, unozooma hako, asi mangwana kuchanaya zvakare ugowana umwe mukana wekurangarira bako riya. Zvangu ini ndezvekuzovona kuti munhu hauna kufa iwe wadofutsigwa murinda. Unoridza mhere uchichemera ani, ndiudzeiwo.

Nekuti zvisinei nekumuda kwako, haana kukushara. Haana kushara inini. Pakamuka muvhunzo wekuti asarudze, mwana akasarudza kurobwa nemagetsi epagedhe ralandlady achitiza choice yaiva mberi kwake. Ndamira ndakatarira mukova. Ikoko kumukova ndiko kwandinofanira kuinda ikoko. Ndinofanira kubuda muno. Handifaniri kucheuka zvakare. Ndikacheuka ndinochinja kuita gomo remunyu. Hazviiti kuti amuke agovona munyu wangu wakavharidzira mumba muno. Angavona uchichururuka misodzi zvikashura chokwadi. Ndazvuva shoka yangu yekurubopwe semupurisa apihwa order yesloooooow march. Ndokubva ndaiisa pasi, ndikakakata yekurudyi. Ndinogona kurarama asipo. Left. Ndakambozviita sei makore apera awa? Right. Pamwe yaiva mhosva yekuti makore ose awa ndaiva ndisina kumbozviisa mumusoro kuti aiva andisiya zveshuwa. Left. Zvaiita sekuti aiva amboinda kuchikoro mhiri kwemakungwa kwaaizodzoka tofambira mberi nehupenyu hwedu setaiva tisina kumboita nguva takaparadzana. Right. Asi ikozvino ndava kuzviziva kuti haandidi zveshuwa. Left. Bhero riya rainzi unoda kumbotanga waridzigwa bhero here rarira nhasi. Right. Molly haandidi. Left. Right. Left…

“Steve?”

Oo. Shit.

Hwi rataura zita rangu ndakamborihwa. Kudhara ndichiri mwana weFomu Foo. Pandakapedzisira kurihwa ndakatura befu refurefu, ndichifema kutya kwose kwaiva mandiri, nekuti panguva iyoyo ndakambopindiwa nefungwa yekuti muridzi waro aiva otandadza. Saka paakashoshoma achidana zita rangu ndakaita sendicharidza mhere nekufara. Kana ndaiva ndisiri mudondo maigara zvikara pamwe ndaiiridza mhere. 

Manje nhasi pandahwa hwi iroro ndatonhora. Ndanga ndadova pakati pekuvhura dhoo kuti ndisiye mwana wevanhu achitsvaga rugare gwaakakodzera. Zvazviri, paradzokera kunoti dhuma kuna mai varo dhoo riya, ini ndangoramba ndiri kudivi raro randanga ndisingafaniri kuva. Handina kuchevuka. Ndinozviziva kuti ndikachevuka ndinoita churu chemunyu. Usachevuka Chikara. Ukachevuka warashika. Usachevuka.

“Steve.” Iko zvino waita kudana chaiko nehwi rakakora; ungati waanga asina kumbodzima nguva yose iyi. Ndipo pandairasha ipapo. Ndachevuka; ndikawana mwana wevanhu akazvaura maziso akatarira kuhwindo rakadziva kucorridor. Ndachevuka futi; ndikahwa dhoo riya randambovhara zvine mutsindo richibhagugwa zvine mutsindo richifovera mukati. Molly waridza mhere. Asi ini ndaramba ndakangooma ndiri pandanga ndiri ipapo. Ndichifunga; wanga usingafaniri kuchevuka Chikara. Hona zvawaita manje. Wapondesa mwana wevanhu. 

Nekuti vanhu vapaza dhoo vachipinda muno ndinovaziva kuti ndivanaani. Vakapfeka majasi machena anovaratidza sevasevenzi vepano uye vane chingoro chekuchovhera vagwere kana vachiinda kunochekwa, kana kuti kana vafa; asi hapana kana kanguva kaduku kandamborashika ndichifunga kuti vanhu ava madhokotera ari kuda kuita basa rawo rungwanangwana gwakadai. Ndinozviziva kuti vakaviga pfuti pasi pemazijasi avaba, uye kuti pfuti idzodzo dziri kuzoshanda nhasi. Asi ndangoramba ndakangooma ndiri pakati pechiimba chino; ndofunga kuti ndadova churu chemunhu ini. Kuita kunge ndiri kuvona firimu revanhu vari kuda kundiponda patv. Yha; ndiwo magumo acho.

Varume ava ndivo vakaponda Mabasa Chikara

Varume ava ndivo vakaponda Marufu Chikara

Varume ava ndivo vakaponda Marcus Dziva

Ende nhasi vauya kuzopedzisa mabasa avo. Vauya kuzokohovedza inini.