The World of Men

By Jere Chikambure

The biggest threat to our body politic and the peace and prosperity of our nation today is – MEN. Men hate losing – and that is to tell it as it is. If a man loses a battle, he will return to the scene again and again and try harder until he gets something – anything – from his constant nagging.

The men from Germany were so livid after their humiliation in Versailles that they spent the next two decades plotting their revenge, which exploded into World War II of 1939. Never mind about Hitler wanting to restore the German pride and economy back on track – it was a point to prove to the men who had disgraced his countryMEN after the previous war that the Germans still had the balls. And because other men just could not resist the challenge from another, thousands of people lost their lives so that a few men could prove they still had it down there.

If a woman is fired from her job in the morning, she may cry foul. But overall, she will realise there is no point in trying to woo herself back into the hearts of corporate suits who have used and discarded of her like recharge card or a condom. Unlike a dog, which keeps returning to its master no matter how hard it is flogged, she moves on to other things; and may even prosper in her new forced freedom.

But try firing a man instead – my God; all the testosterone in his anatomy will break loose. First he will sue his former bosses’ asses in the sun, in the rain and under the sea until he gets something – anything – from his persistent nagging. Sometimes the courts will rule the man was unfairly dismissed from his source of income by his fellow men and should be given back his corner office and be brought back on the payroll. But the first thing that man will do on his return to work is to... hand in a letter of resignation! After expending all his energy and such precious time of his life fighting to be returned to his favourite workplace, the man resigns. So what was the point in fighting at all? Winning. The man thought his balls had been wretched from him after he was fired – so he thought of biting some bit of ball for his own self actualisation.

I know of this man who, like Hitler, bid his time. There is this not-so-off-the-mark maxim that postulates that men just cannot fall in love. But when one actually is befallen by the misfortune of falling in love, he falls hard. So this particular Mr. Man fell for this femme fatale whom he believed was actually THE Eve. The Eve; who had been duped into sinking her teeth into the fatal delicacy of the forbidden fruit. Not that it was her fault – Eve was minding her own business when the serpent pounced and sweet talked her into temptation. He looked at her as if he expected the sun to rise out of her anytime.

What love does to our egoistic men really wears a hat. Mr. Man was so smitten that he did not realise that Miss. Right, first name Always, had her own tales to tell when it came to playing the men’s game and actually excelling at it. He couldn’t bear to reason with her; he cared for her too much to reason with her. But he awoke to a shocking reality one day when the apple of his eye ditched him for the greener pastures of another – well, you guessed right – another man. Blimey; they were indeed right when they said the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the chest – dear Miss. Right, first name Always, had stabbed our man’s ego in the heart. He pleaded, threatened, begged, cajoled, mollycoddled and blackmailed her back into his arms.

In her omniscience, the girl finally acquiesced, in the full knowledge that she had her catch wholly in her knickers. She knew she had everything under control, since this was not her first time breaking hearts. Two years later, the wedding date arrived – and it was on that date that the baser nature in the man’s heart chose to reveal itself. Go figure.

It would have been really funny had it not been pathetic the way man gathers all these ideas in his head that he is God and can do any fuck all he wishes without so much as any repercussions from the creator. The rich men of Sodom and Gomorrah thought they were such a fine breed that they could not be like other fellow men who buried their virile anger in a woman’s rightly prescribed hole, called pussy – which ire-fusing fusion made sure their DNA lived for endless millennia after them. Then the misruling elite of ancient Greece thought they could outwit the Almighty by engaging in the acts that led to Lot’s wife turning into a saline statue. Ha, varume havaiti.

They create all these illusions around the lord’s laws, in the vain hope of masking the folly of their misdeeds; they engage in adultery and call it ‘an affair’ or a ‘small house’. The act of wanting to fuck other men’s ass holes has been transformed from homosexuality to being just gay.

But man is at his most dangerous when he is angry. When a man is sad, he does nothing, except shed tears of his melancholy; but it is when he is angry that he causes a matrix of revolutions. It’s so different with our folk of the fairer sex, who when angry, go shopping. It’s true – you can ask Blu Cantrell. She got so pissed with her man the other year that she hit him up style in his pockets. Which is unfortunate, since most men think they make more money than their women can spend. But oblivious Blu shopped her anger into oblivion. Good for her.

But never let go of a man’s hand when a man is angry; for – whereas a woman would love to shoo, rather shop her ire away – if you let a man’s hand free, a man would cause wars. And that is the main reason why our great nation is in this state of limbo today. Men love so much to hit their frenemies below the belt, such that when revenge comes, nobody is safe. If you accuse somebody of being a gay lover – deducing your assertions from their recent utterances – they will respond by sowing seeds in every woman they meet to prove you wrong.

Then we have men who organise for their political foes to be clobbered black and blue so they cannot make any noisy headway towards Solomon’s throne. And after their Nichodemous Satanism, they have the gall to appear in public to denounce the very deeds that are their nocturnal prosperity! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why is it that hard for some men to realise that they cannot, try as they might, boss the whole world around because they do not own the axle around which the world spins? Many have come before them and tried – it didn’t work.

Most of us in the tier number three of the world inherently wish to have been born in the first world where life is lived to its optimal levels. What we didn’t know was the men in the ‘first’ world lived by plundering the resources of other nations, before those nations finally opened their eyes and stopped the rot. Now the men in the west’s joie de vivre is beginning to unravel; the wheels to their economic vehicles are coming off, but here is the paradox – besides invading and plundering rich lands that have poor defence mechanisms (and excusing the Germans, who were taught the hard way by Versailles), the men have not a clue as to how they can generate their own wealth. Now, ‘dictators’ a dying a gogo – Saddam, Muammar, etc...

Is the world safe from these men who think they got more balls than all of us?